Construction Time Again

(I love me some Depeche Mode!)

I went to see the Psychiatrist on tuesday afternoon, and he seemed to be appalled that I tried for two years to obtain relief from what he said was pretty severe depression, and the doctor was so unhelpful. The initial plan of attack is to ramp up to the CORRECT dose of Wellbutrin, with an adequate dose (4x what the previous MD had prescribed) of Xanax to combat the anxiety in the meantime. He was well spoken and listened. No thick accent, which I appreciate, because I get rather frustrated when I'm at a MD and can not understand what the doctor is saying about my treatment. This would be especially frustrating when it came to a mental health professional, because it is a nuanced treatment, not just 'here's a Z-pack for your sinus infection, get some rest.' He said that the Wellbutrin will probably not be enough, but it is at least a starting point. I go again next month to gauge my progress and adjust my meds.

I'm working from a couple different angles to tackle this depression. I'm reading about Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy, and tonight, for the first time, I'm going to be attending a support group sponsored by the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance). It's at a local church, which is a little weird for me, but I know that connecting with people will go a long way towards helping me feel less isolated. Who knows, I may meet some people to socialize with outside of the support group. I know I can't attend all meetings because of hubs' schedule, but I plan on making as many as I can.

I've decided to start making lists of goals I want to achieve on a daily basis, a glorified to do list. I think this will allow me to get out of my head and quit ruminating, and focus on specific tasks. Maybe I can finally get all of my books unpacked, fill my curio cabinet, and create the office space I'd like to have in the front room. It's bizarre, but yesterday, only my second day of being back on my medication, I actually followed through with getting my laundry done. Maybe I have hope because there's light at the tunnel.

This couldn't have come at a better time, because I found out yesterday that my Mom has been hospitalized. She's had bronchitis for the last month that isn't getting better. I talked to her last night and they've ruled out pnemonia, but they've found multiple lesions on her lungs. She's a long-time smoker, and has lost a significant amount of weight since February. The weight loss could be attributed to depression since I left, but she says that she's been eating a lot. If this turns out to be cancer, I would not be surprized, because I've had the thought in my head since I heard about the drastic weight loss. I've told her over and over to get herself to a doctor, but she's a hardhead.

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I love her, but she is narcissistic, has a gambling problem, and was physically and emotionally abusive when I was a child. She had a hard time adjusting to being a parent of an adult. She has softened as she aged, but she is still manipulative, and self centered. She never admits to being wrong about anything, and when told that she is in the wrong, she reacts with anger. Nothing is ever her fault, and no one can ever have a harder life than she's led. She has had significant childhood trauma that she never got therapy for. She is quick to tell her kids that they need to be on medication because they're too nasty when they're fed up with her shit and call her on it, though. I don't want to go into specifics, because she's sick, and I feel bad for her right now.