I have Barney and Friends on the living room television to placate my youngest daughter, even though it may be one of the worst things to happen to children's television. The older daughter is holed up in the playroom with Lady and the Tramp, so she's good for a while. I'm going to hop in the shower in a second, but first, a quick post.
I am seeing a psychiatrist for the first time since 2006 next week. I am sick of this funk I'm in. It has been three years since I've been happy, and I'm just getting worse at this point. I'm over it, and I want to see how things will pan out if I can get onto the recommended dosage of Wellbutrin. I was at half dosage before I moved here, and although I wasn't really great, the stomach pain and vomiting had ceased and that is always a relief. I tried to make an appointment with my PCP last November when things were getting very bad, but before I knew that Texas was really happenning, and she couldn't get me in until February. She called in a script to hold me over at the 150mg dosage for 90 days to hold me until the appointment. I got a call the week before the appointment, and it was cancelled. Of course, I couldn't be rescheduled before the move, so I had to go off Wellbutrin without doctor's supervision, because she refused to write another RX without my coming in. It really made me mad...I had followed the protocols, and she failed to provide the care I needed.
I'm not an SSRI fan. I've tried Lexapro, which was okay but not optimal, and Zoloft, which when it alleviated the depression made me a hungry zombie without feelings. The Wellbutrin felt like it was the one, but I needed the correct dosage. As of now, my stomach pain and vomiting is back in full force, and its been a week since I've been able to hold down a decent meal. This is the worst part of the depression, because it makes me feel like a bulemic. I get so hungry, and when I eat, it feels like I'm binging, even if its a normal sized meal. Then the pain starts a few minutes after eating, and intensifies until the stomach is emptied. Nothing helps. It's out of my control. I still feel bad. I feel wasteful, I feel hungry. This part of the depression makes me miserable physically, on top of the angst I'm dealing with emotionally.
I've found a support group for depression that I think I'm going to start attending when I can. It's free, and it gives me a chance not only to find an outlet for all this ugliness in my brain, but to connect with people who understand what it's like to live with this. I'm hoping I may find a kindred spirit, maybe start a friendship. I need to meet people and socialize to beat away this isolation, but I honestly don't know how to do this outside of a work or school setting. There's a lot going on next week. I'm hoping it will lead to positive change. I'm thinking of taking some online classes in fall to finish my degree, I registered with the local community college yesterday, and halfway filled out the FAFSA. If I could just get the Pell Grant, I'd be good. I have to find my 2012 taxes, which were done just before the move, and with the room of boxes (paperwork, books, and curio cabinet stuff, not essential to daily life, but still nnecessary) still there, I know I have a day of organizing and sorting before I can find them. I want to get my office nook set up to have a place to write. If only I could find some motivation in all this dank blackness.
No comments:
Post a Comment